lightblack06

if they didnt play "who's makin love.."
i would have been fine if i didnt notice&just been drunk.
if i wouldve kept talkin to adam and not worried about what was playin in the bar.
if i didnt call you to leave ur grandfather's voice on ur voicemail..
if you wouldve just answered..
if you wouldve been there to experience my smile..
i wouldve been fine.
but now i cant stop crying...&its my 21st birthday.

thank you to everyone who kept me smiling. :) i love yall.

"be done i dont give a fuck anymore and i mean that"
those are the last words he sent to me.
i wonder if he'll feel bad if one day somethin terrible happens to me..

...today is gonna be the start of a beginning. I have said this before but i never ever did it really. I would start to, then go right back to the beginning..it's hard when it's all you've ever known. This time I have to go with it. I lost both guys that mean alot to me. One I've been losing for a year and the other I think im losing because hes moving. I need to find a brand new guy but do u know how hard it is when for the past 3 years one has been all u know and finally when someone else catches ur attention, u lose them too? i know that was a big long run on sentence but whatever. I need to cry, say no, cry, feel my heart break again...and again...and again, then get up and do it all over again. so for real this time, imma miss him so so so so so much but i have to move on for me..and my health..

now, i need to find lil wayne :D

Current Music: turn my swag on remix

i dont do well with change.
not at all and change is happening all around me.
there is a voice in my head that is telling me he doesnt need to be in my life.
but im not completely listening to it, im just not talkin to him unless im spoken to first.
i dont talk much anymore..im too depressed.
yes im depressed.
im unmotivated, im sad, i do have a good time dont get me wrong but i feel like i have to try.
when i am out and enjoying myself, i want it to last because at that point in time im not thinkin about whats wrong with me.
i want to graduate and just start dancing.
its goin to be hard and i realize that but i have to throw myself into it.
i want to start over with alot of things and its never gonna happen.
i want to be able to do what i want without having to worry about if someone is gonna be mad or judge me. its not fun.
and i want ONE person, ONE, to just simply TALK to me. but he acts like his life is busier than mine...he just ignores me.
"do u ever miss me?"
"yes"--he said.
i wanna believe him..so i let myself believe it.
then he called me today for 15 min and i havent heard from him all day...
lets go life..pick it up.

its been a LONG LONG time comin but i only have 95 pages left! which means ill finish it by the time school starts! Vincent will be SO proud! :D
ive started watchin the movie but im not gonna finish it until i finish the book. and so far the book is WAY WAY better than the movie.

ryan got me an iPod :D
an 80 gig! :D
the end!

no i will not explain that statement. only a couple people know what i mean ;]
so..here it goes..
grannie is dying :[ dont really know how to handle it cuz it doesnt feel real..
ryan got a girlfriend..tryin not to bring it up&just deal w/ it by myself cuz i dont wanna fight w/ him.
talked to louie last night :]
worked today.
thought i was gonna go out last night&tonight but looks like im not.
i dyed my hair two days ago :] i like it!

louie's still my boyfriend lol :D

boyfriend wakes me up yesterday morning bout 830 and asks me if i wanna come out there. i tell him yeah so he comes and gets me at noon and i spend the day w/ him&meme. i kicked some major video game ass!!! tried learnin halo and that shit is still too hard for me but im gettin better. ryan tells me he wants to date some girl he goes to church with so i lose him&terrell to other girls. but boyfriend made up for it :D he made me&meme breakfast, she left and went to work and i watched a couple hours of csi :D then for pretty much the rest of the day it was me&boyfriend chillin watchin tv. im tired from doin absolutely nothin today! i picked up my check and i got a christmas bonus! :D i feel pretty rich lol. it was an interesting couple days, terrell texted me off and on, he was drunk once lol. we watched eddie murphy raw which was super funny. tried to watch batman begins but was distracted the whole time so i gotta watch it by myself lol.

needless to say, im a lil hurt bout ryan but we had a VERY silly argument recently and it told me alot about him. we still cool&friends but its gonna be good..ill get over it :]
cuz louie's my boyfriend! lol ;]

i dont know what to do with these feelings i have for him&someone else.
he tells me "i wanted to be with two or three girls at one time cuz i spent so much time bein tied down to one"
i say "well why didnt u tell me so that this wouldnt have happened?"
him: "why would i have told you? that would have messed up the plan"
me: "why would you put me in that sick plan?! i told you i was tired of bein THAT girl! why didnt you tell me so that this wouldnt have happened?!"
him: "it would have messed up my plan. so why would it make sense to tell you?"
me: "so you wouldnt hurt me in the end. i wanted to get away from being THAT girl but you continued to put me there. i thought it was different w/ you. i have these feelings for you that i dont know what to do with b/c u dont give me anything to go off of. idk if u have feelings for me or not so that i can let go of u or continue to pursue you."

even at the end of that conversation i dont know what im supposed to do w/ these feelings.
i was told i wasnt important to the person i love and now i find out i was being used in a scheme to "play the field". i didnt expect him to wanna jump into a relationship w/ me but i didnt expect to be one of his pawns in this game he wanted to play.
i dont know what to do w/ these feelings except to supress them until i know how to deal w/ them..

and "omg they have food!" "idc bout food now i just wanna smoke" were only the beginning of monday night and what went on to be tuesday morning :D
im tellin you when u dont hang wit much less talk to people for some months and then hang wit them and literally pick up where you left off you realize how much you miss them and how much freakin fun they are :D oh man i wish i could write EVERYTHING :D loved it so much and cant wait to do it all over again.

well needless to say me&donna arent cool anymore. cuz of that and many other things she said on my voicemail. then she fired me the next day. so she can kiss my ass, bite the big one..really hard, whatever. on a good note, ive seen almost all my favorite people this summer :D its pretty good so far and hopefully it only gets better.

i love him <3
but yes sometimes i do hate him but whatever :D

MEL MEL I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3

battle royale...is so sad :[ im starting the last section and its just a mess :[

cried for a good hour and a half last night and when i said "i miss u...alot" he immediately responded "hi miss ya too". he's got the esp thing down lately..when he asked "anything i can do?" i said "yes. just a matter of if u will.." he said "?" and i told him just once or twice a month would do and he never said anything back.. so idk.. hopefully it happens.. it would make life easier..

but during my sobfest i looked down at my arms and then mel mel's voice goes "u look really tan" :D it made me laugh a lil :D

so im tryin to make this a good day today but we'll see..

Current Music: somethin gay at work.

so hangovers are really not fun.
:[ i was on my couch layin down all day yestersday and hugging the toilet 4 different times throughout the day. my stomach wouldnt hold anything down whatsoever. :[ it waws horrible and today kinda sucks too. im not wantin to throw up but i dont feel well :[ also, just when i thought him and monica were done, i feel like that blew up in my face too..so idk, looks like im back to the normal old shit. i hate that part of my life so much..

in better news, im goin to austin in a month!! :]] super excited! im goin w/ sadie and she has alot of friends down there so we'll be stayin w/ them i guess. but im real excited cuz ive never been there :]

i miss you guys oh so much!! :[[ i cant wait to see yall again!! :]]

Current Music: my boyfriend wayne! :]

its always good to hear someone was thinkin of yo even if it wasnt who u expected..

cramps can suck big balls and go to hell.
so right now idk whats really goin on w/ anything..its all so confusing..

with sadie.
me&her went to fort worth yesterday and found our way around all by ourselves! :]
never been downtown fort worth and neither had she so we were pretty proud of ourselves! :]
got a shirt and a couple belts and she paid for dinner.
then we went to see her friend's band [which is the reason we went anyway] and it was aight. got slightly drunk&real high. super fun.
workin super much. so ill hopefully get a car soon.
hopefully this summer is good like it is now..it could be better in one aspect so hopefully it gets better there.

Current Music: Beatles-Love Album

..when the other part of ur "square" is here but the minute she leaves its like i dont exist. its ok i get it. but its not like im dying w/o yall. i mean i have friends i just thought i'd be able to add on to my list of friends. guess not. but when she comes back i guess ill pretend to not be mad when we hang out. whatever.

fun times w/ louie&uriel&mariel are my favorite this spring break! plus workin=money!
annoying people at work=irritated me! keepin myself busy so i dont think about the fact that i havent seen him in 3 months=hard to do!

in general this spring break is a roller coaster. its not bad, its not great.
its just mediocre. finding out that he's gettin back together w/ her made me happy for him..kinda..im glad he's happy, i just wish it was me makin him that way. and in a way it is me cuz im the only one who knows everything about him so he doesnt have to watch what he says around me.
him: "i like talkin to you courtney..cuz ur the only one who knows everything"
me: "so its easy to talk to me"
him: "yeah." :]
him: "you know i love you too"

ugh i cant wait for mel mel to come back! i miss her bunches! :]]

Current Location: Lenny's aka Hell!
Current Music: the effin TV

two raises at work.
im gettin completely ignored now! [[i love childish people]]
americas best dance crew rocks my world!

sad note: i miss caitlin :[

happier note: im not hungover anymore!

a. list seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself
b. tag seven people to do the same
c. do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it"

1) everything about me has to be even. [[ex: eating skittles in even numbers]]
2) i'll only make my bed if mel mel does lol.
3) i tend to talk alot of shit but when it comes down to it im usually the bigger person in situations only to avoid more drama.
4) ive gotten alot better about not procrastinating :]]
5) im really good at keeping secrets. wanna tell a secret? some tell me! :]
6) i love to dance and shit but most days i dont feel like im good enough.
7) [[this will be the only time i ever type this word]] i HATE HATE HATE HATE the word pus.
i cringed just typing it.

im not gonna tag anyone only b/c it took me SSOOOO long to post this lol.

love life.
lose one friend.
gain like 5 :]
i love them!! :]



i miss louie :[