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Aug. 17th, 2009 02:12 am i would have been fine

if they didnt play "who's makin love.."
i would have been fine if i didnt notice&just been drunk.
if i wouldve kept talkin to adam and not worried about what was playin in the bar.
if i didnt call you to leave ur grandfather's voice on ur voicemail..
if you wouldve just answered..
if you wouldve been there to experience my smile..
i wouldve been fine.
but now i cant stop crying...&its my 21st birthday.

thank you to everyone who kept me smiling. :) i love yall.

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Jun. 9th, 2009 01:47 am "im done"

"be done i dont give a fuck anymore and i mean that"
those are the last words he sent to me.
i wonder if he'll feel bad if one day somethin terrible happens to me..

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May. 26th, 2009 02:38 pm take in a deep breath...

...today is gonna be the start of a beginning. I have said this before but i never ever did it really. I would start to, then go right back to the beginning..it's hard when it's all you've ever known. This time I have to go with it. I lost both guys that mean alot to me. One I've been losing for a year and the other I think im losing because hes moving. I need to find a brand new guy but do u know how hard it is when for the past 3 years one has been all u know and finally when someone else catches ur attention, u lose them too? i know that was a big long run on sentence but whatever. I need to cry, say no, cry, feel my heart break again...and again...and again, then get up and do it all over again. so for real this time, imma miss him so so so so so much but i have to move on for me..and my health..

now, i need to find lil wayne :D

Current Music: turn my swag on remix

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May. 5th, 2009 09:36 pm come on.

i dont do well with change.
not at all and change is happening all around me.
there is a voice in my head that is telling me he doesnt need to be in my life.
but im not completely listening to it, im just not talkin to him unless im spoken to first.
i dont talk much anymore..im too depressed.
yes im depressed.
im unmotivated, im sad, i do have a good time dont get me wrong but i feel like i have to try.
when i am out and enjoying myself, i want it to last because at that point in time im not thinkin about whats wrong with me.
i want to graduate and just start dancing.
its goin to be hard and i realize that but i have to throw myself into it.
i want to start over with alot of things and its never gonna happen.
i want to be able to do what i want without having to worry about if someone is gonna be mad or judge me. its not fun.
and i want ONE person, ONE, to just simply TALK to me. but he acts like his life is busier than mine...he just ignores me.
"do u ever miss me?"
"yes"--he said.
i wanna believe him..so i let myself believe it.
then he called me today for 15 min and i havent heard from him all day...
lets go life..pick it up.

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Dec. 30th, 2008 06:49 pm battle royale.

its been a LONG LONG time comin but i only have 95 pages left! which means ill finish it by the time school starts! Vincent will be SO proud! :D
ive started watchin the movie but im not gonna finish it until i finish the book. and so far the book is WAY WAY better than the movie.

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Dec. 28th, 2008 11:56 pm my present!

ryan got me an iPod :D
an 80 gig! :D
the end!

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Dec. 22nd, 2008 05:41 pm i have an inner hoe and i wanna name her!

no i will not explain that statement. only a couple people know what i mean ;]
so..here it goes..
grannie is dying :[ dont really know how to handle it cuz it doesnt feel real..
ryan got a girlfriend..tryin not to bring it up&just deal w/ it by myself cuz i dont wanna fight w/ him.
talked to louie last night :]
worked today.
thought i was gonna go out last night&tonight but looks like im not.
i dyed my hair two days ago :] i like it!

louie's still my boyfriend lol :D

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Dec. 19th, 2008 09:24 pm great 2 days!

boyfriend wakes me up yesterday morning bout 830 and asks me if i wanna come out there. i tell him yeah so he comes and gets me at noon and i spend the day w/ him&meme. i kicked some major video game ass!!! tried learnin halo and that shit is still too hard for me but im gettin better. ryan tells me he wants to date some girl he goes to church with so i lose him&terrell to other girls. but boyfriend made up for it :D he made me&meme breakfast, she left and went to work and i watched a couple hours of csi :D then for pretty much the rest of the day it was me&boyfriend chillin watchin tv. im tired from doin absolutely nothin today! i picked up my check and i got a christmas bonus! :D i feel pretty rich lol. it was an interesting couple days, terrell texted me off and on, he was drunk once lol. we watched eddie murphy raw which was super funny. tried to watch batman begins but was distracted the whole time so i gotta watch it by myself lol.

needless to say, im a lil hurt bout ryan but we had a VERY silly argument recently and it told me alot about him. we still cool&friends but its gonna be good..ill get over it :]
cuz louie's my boyfriend! lol ;]

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Dec. 15th, 2008 11:57 pm on a happy note, boyfriend called me today :D

i dont know what to do with these feelings i have for him&someone else.
he tells me "i wanted to be with two or three girls at one time cuz i spent so much time bein tied down to one"
i say "well why didnt u tell me so that this wouldnt have happened?"
him: "why would i have told you? that would have messed up the plan"
me: "why would you put me in that sick plan?! i told you i was tired of bein THAT girl! why didnt you tell me so that this wouldnt have happened?!"
him: "it would have messed up my plan. so why would it make sense to tell you?"
me: "so you wouldnt hurt me in the end. i wanted to get away from being THAT girl but you continued to put me there. i thought it was different w/ you. i have these feelings for you that i dont know what to do with b/c u dont give me anything to go off of. idk if u have feelings for me or not so that i can let go of u or continue to pursue you."

even at the end of that conversation i dont know what im supposed to do w/ these feelings.
i was told i wasnt important to the person i love and now i find out i was being used in a scheme to "play the field". i didnt expect him to wanna jump into a relationship w/ me but i didnt expect to be one of his pawns in this game he wanted to play.
i dont know what to do w/ these feelings except to supress them until i know how to deal w/ them..

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Jul. 18th, 2008 05:47 pm "we're back bitches"

and "omg they have food!" "idc bout food now i just wanna smoke" were only the beginning of monday night and what went on to be tuesday morning :D
im tellin you when u dont hang wit much less talk to people for some months and then hang wit them and literally pick up where you left off you realize how much you miss them and how much freakin fun they are :D oh man i wish i could write EVERYTHING :D loved it so much and cant wait to do it all over again.

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